SlackRamen: For Musicians on a Budget

This recipe was developed in the slums of Denton Texas, in the early 1990s. It has many variations and many followers.

Ingredients: One (or two) packages of Sumyang Smack Ramen noodles. These are sometimes on sale at super saver (or slack 'n' slave) 10 for $1. If you sell 3 or four of your Warrant, Lynch Mob, and Trixter CDs, you can usually buy a whole case of these--enough for a month (or until the tax refund shows up, whichever is longer).

Technique: Throw away the msg-laden spice packets. Alternatively, place the entire contents of the packet in your mouth and swallow hard. The msg rush will keep you going strong! Next, cook the holy hell out of the noodles. I'm not talking about just boiling them, I'm talking about immersing them in 300 degree water for at least 10 minutes. They'll scream and cry and beg to be let out, but don't you let 'em--cook those noodles until the heat in your slack kitchen is so intense, you look like Arnold Schwarzenegger on the surface of Mars in that old movie. Next, drain the noodles (hopefully you have a colander, if not, you can improvise with an old speaker grill--metal ones work best, but cloth ones are OK too. Then, let the noodles cool to an edible temperature, saturate with Kraft parmisan cheese. Douse in tobasco sauce, or any cayenne-pepper based solution. Enjoy with a cold Natural Light. Slack Appetit!

Here's a BONUS RECIPE!! You can't eat this, but you might!

Incidentally, if anyone knows The HornRimJobs tell them that Ed Slack would be happy to cook their frames for 'em.

Ed Slack used to own a pair of those plastic black thick horn-rimmed glasses that most of the hipsters used to wear before they realize how fuggin stupid they look. One day, Ed came home and decided it was time to see what happened to his glasses (his only pair, by the way) if he boiled them in super-hot molten water.

The rationale was this: Think about how GROSS your glasses are after just sitting on your face for years and years. All your dead skin, skin oils, cigarette ashes, urban pollution, etc--all sticks to your glasses. Oh sure, you whip out the windex once a month and wipe them clean, but what about the actual frames? Gross out!

So here's how you do it.

  • Heat water to 300 degrees. This is neccessary for the proper sterilization procedure. The kitchen in your slum apartment should be almost 200. You should look like the dude at the end of "Raiders of the lost ark" where his face is melting.
  • Drop your glasses into the solution.
  • Stir with some kind of titanium fork.
  • After ten minutes, place on a drying rack.
  • Notice how easily they bend at this point. Now is the time to have fun!
  • After glasses have cooled, notice how the color changes from a hip black to a fuggin ugly pale lavender.
  • Endure endless laughter from people at work, family, and friends, once they see your black/lavender bent-up glasses and hear the explanation.
  • Enjoy with a case of natural light!

    AND YET ANOTHER BONUS RECIPE!!! Mexican Baked Ramen Slack

  • Cook ramen noodles according to package instructions. Drain. Rinse.
  • Take soggy ramen noodles and let soak in a bowl of vinegar overnight.
  • The next day, drain and rinse noodles again, then pat dry.
  • Place in pyrex baking dish (or some tinfoil thing, if you have any left after making your hats) and sprinkle liberally with whatever comically hot seasonings (pepper, tabasco, japanese peppers, chili peppers, jalapeno juice, chili powder, mustard gas hot sauce) you have available.
  • Bake at 350F until a crispy brown. Remove, let cool enough to handle without hand protection.
  • Break off into pieces and dip into hot sauce.
  • Enjoy with a light-bodied beer, say, natural light.